sweetness

I'M TIRED

I DON'T WANT TO MOVE

                  GO AROUND  sit with me

                               OR GO AWAY  stay with me please

i have an ant problem. they are coming in thru the cracks in the framing of my kitchen window. i've put out lines of cinnamon to deter them but i haven't found a way to make ground cinnamon stick to walls so they climb around up over under. it's sweetness they crave, sustenance. and i keep killing them on sight.

so, ants are about what, community? i'm lonely. it comes and goes, but it's not unusual. last night my girlfriend and my best friend dressed up and went to a party with a bunch of my other friends. i wanted to go but their estimated time of departure was exactly my bedtime, i worked at 7 this morning, so i sulked down to my room and turned out the lights. but part of it is choice. it feels really good to my body to get up early, go to bed early, to not drink, to not listen to loud music. it seems, these past few days especially, i'm torn between meeting physical needs and meeting newly awakened emotional needs. and by these past few days i mean these past few years.

after work today i caught the tail end of a hang out at the park with aforementioned party attendees and a handful of others. every one and their small dog was out in the park. i felt in. except. not. i kept thinking, i want something else in this conversation, something more than just casual banter about new capitol hill developments and vegan gluten free waffle recipes. there were no ants at this picnic.

and the point of this post? i'm not sure. i get lonely, yet don't reach out. i know you guys are out there, and that gives me comfort. i hope the same for you -the knowing and comfort, not the lonely and hiding. :)

as for my ants, well, they are forcing me to be clean clean clean, that's for sure. and appreciative of their communication skills, their dedication to their tribe. not to mention their sheer strength and determination.
so, tonight, with deep gratitude, i will wipe down my counters, pile more cinnamon on the sill where the wind has scattered it, and send my love to you all.